For the Love of

Look Good; Feel Crappy

I can still use makeup and positivity to make myself look good. That does not mean I am cured and out of pain, however, as most tend to believe. It just means I am doing my best to look as healthy as possible. However, it does not take away the chronic pain and its effects.

When one asks "how are you?", do they really want to know? I am assuming not. So I usually say, "So so." Or "ok." Sometimes, if they are close friends/family, I ask, "do you really want to know?" Because I really don't know if they do or not. I don't enjoy going into my symptoms and problems if the response is one of disbelief or boredom... Sometimes I just don't want to discuss it anyway; it's too depressing and frustrating.

It's amazing how many relationships I have lost or just are on hold due to misunderstandings of my disablement (word?). I cannot predict my pain level on a daily basis, so I do not know if I can meet someone for dinner or even visit, or even allow visitors in. Some days I do not feel like talking to anyone, so I do not call. However, if someone called, I would definitely answer and do my best to chat. Pain just makes you feel all over crappy, discontented, and unable to carry on regular activities. However, I would always accept a visit, help with a meal, or shopping for a meal, or vacuuming rugs, or cleaning floors, etc. But usually after the first or second time, that help ENDS. And then I don't hear from that person anymore. There must be a limit on "do you need anything?" ventures. Even the cards have stopped, except from a couple very close college friends.... Please don't think I am an ungrateful person. I am so grateful for those that have offered help and came through with it. It's just unfortunate that it ends after the first or second time..... And believe me, I would reimburse for any amount of moneys due. I would never take advantage of a friend/relative/neighbor's good intentions.

It hurts when a good friend/relative thinks I am faking the whole deal. For what reason would that be? Do they think I enjoy being in pain? Love to visit doctors and therapists, and pay good money to them for their suggestions and help? Enjoy spending half my husband's salary on health insurance and doctor bills? Do they imagine I cannot wait for another day to come so I can sit home because I am too dizzy or fatigued to drive? When someone mentions that "I am so lucky" to have a Disabled Parking Hanger or the strong medications I am prescribed or getting social security disability, it makes me somewhat disappointed in that person's understanding of my ailments. (I would be glad to explain if they ask.) No, I cannot just go out and get a job.... I truly wish I could.... I sincerely miss that part of my life....

Medications help, but they also have some strange and unhelpful side effects, like dizziness, headaches, fatigue, malaise, stomach aches, more aches and pains, memory problems, and on and on..... Even doctors don't seem to get it. They ask if the meds help, I say yes. So they conclude that everything is better now. (The meds help, yet the pain is always there, and then the side effects appear later.... It's never ever over or cured. How frustrating!)

THEREFORE, on a normal everyday basis, my black-and-white tuxedo cat, Elvis, is my best friend. He doesn't care that I am in pain, that I get grouchy sometimes; he does not care how I look or what I say to him. He just loves me for me, sits on my lap, looks up at me with his big green eyes with such loyalty, and purrs away. I lose myself in his contentment and happiness. It relaxes me and helps my pain disintegrate for that moment. Elvis' counterpart is a white-and-orange smaller cat, named Priscilla, which we shortened to Peepers. Her antics make me smile and her very soft fur and sweet little kisses bring me much happy therapy.

Of course, my real best friend is my handsome, sexy HUBS!! I don't mean to make light of his love, loyalty, good humor and caretaking. He works so hard for us both; I could never repay him. The HUBS can always make me laugh, no matter how bad the pain is, and that is SO IMPORTANT!! I am only privileged to see him on the weekends (usually), so my cat bonding is necessary during the week. Those marriage vows truly tested us over the past 7 years of marriage (sickness & health, ...) but HUBS has remained strong and supportive during the whole mess!!! I thank the Lord everyday that he joined us together, especially after a former abusive husband's betrayal altered my opinion of marriage and produced post-traumatic stress disorder.

Do you know what else helps me survive this chronic disorder? How could I forget? My beautiful, sweet, unpredictable granddaughter!! Little Paquita is turning three years old and is so much fun! Her cutesy wordings and hugs and kisses change my world for the time being (when I babysit). There is nothing like a small child's expressions of love to give me HOPE in my small world of PAIN! She is one of the best remedies I have....